The Science of Friendship.
Recently I had a meeting with someone who I would call a friend. After the meeting, I came away feeling very negative and wondering where this bad karma had come from especially since I had arrived with such a positive vibe. Could my so called friend have stolen my positive energy like a body snatcher in the middle of the night or could I have inadvertantly donated my energy without checking my own reserves?
We are all familiar with the law of conservation of energy, a consequence of this law is that energy can neither be created nor destroyed it can only be transformed from one form to another. So where did my positive energy go?
Here´s my simple theory, If you hang around consistently negative people, you don´t make them more positive, you just make them less negative but you end up feeling less positive… big difference.
So by a series of routinely practiced steps my friend through their words, body language, silences and other subtle communication tools, had chipped away at my aura of positivity. The worst thing about this interaction was that it was done totally subconsciously.
Being aware of these type of interactions is an important part of personal development as we hurtle our way through life at top speeds.
Imagine going on a long 8 hour drive and stopping at the first gas station you see to fill up will petrol, however after paying the attendant, you realize that the petrol nozzle is not actually delivering petrol to your car, but sucking it out!. Sounds crazy, but we have all done it. Here are three easy ways to remain on the right side of the Friendship Equation.
- Make sure you have a positive environment around you as often as you can. Watch out for the silent killers like the news with its obsessively negative slant.
- Take regular pit stops to recharge your batteries and realign yourself. Sometimes this may be a walk in the park or a trip to the mountains or a detox weekend away. Meditation is a wonderful way to ´travel ‘and it can be done almost anywhere, I am a great fan of meditation.
- Try and look for the positive in potentially negative situation. This is a lot harder than it seems especially in a society where we are conditioned to look for the negative in a situation and equate that with reality. I usually find that the reality (my thoughts on the concept of reality I will save for another time) is not always the worst case or best case scenario. It is usually somewhere in between. So it does not hurt make your worst case scenario look a tad bit better!
I have refrained from the usual, beginning of the year ‘let’s get my life sorted’ type of thoughts and actions. As I see people hurriedly setting New Year’s resolutions and putting action plans together for 2011, one begins to wonder how many times the words hope and wish are used in relation to our lives. This year I have made a decision to pay more attention to the subconscious thoughts that percolate into my conscious mind and see if I can find some clues to what 2011 should look like.
The first point for my attention came to me this morning as I was listening to someone giving advice to some friends on how ‘people’ should bring up their children. The subject matter was quite emotive and lead to a polarised reaction from the group. Some people spoke in agreement, some got offended and some tried to superimpose their opinions onto the group. When I was asked my view, I suddenly realised that whatever I said would further polarise the discussion, but what challenged me more was that I felt I would have to defend my position against people who may be judging me for my views or ideas.
On deeper analysis, I realised that I was doing exactly what I was afraid people would do to me, I had been sitting there quietly judging others as they open their mouths to reveal their thoughts. Was this why I feared being judged?
So let’s apply some theory and so called logic to this microcosm of social interaction. There are three levels of introspective communication
Sensing
This happens passively, and is a direct response to a stimulus within our sensory range i.e. a sound or a smell. Our senses can be dampened due to habituation but the process of sensing still takes place.
Perception
This the organisation of received stimuli in a way that makes sense of our environment, the process of perception is organised by our perceptual filters which are influenced by many factors such as social conditioning, intensity of stimuli, and preconceptions.
Judgement
This is the part that is most damaging, based on our own individual perceptions we often make judgements about people’s characters and motives. To some people the art of judgement is a national sport but this cognitive distortion of raw data has been the cause of so many infringements of human emotions over our centuries of existence.
In ‘ Me in the Mirror’ workshops, we do an exercises that encourages you to look at the judgements you make of others and then turn it back on yourself. I believe you cannot see something you dislike in another person unless you actually posses that trait yourself, for example if you happen to think someone is too arrogant, it might be worth taking a quick look in the mirror.
Of course I am not suggesting that we should all live in a Utopia where no-one is ever judged that would be foolhardy. I do however strongly believe that more friction is caused by making the wrong judgements and being misunderstood than making no judgments at all.
If human communication can be interpreted in different ways, be sure it will be interpreted in the way that causes maximum damage… anonymous
So my message for today… don’t judge others lest you be judged yourself.
5 ways to start perceiving and stop judging
1. Realise that there is a difference between receiving and interpreting data.
2. For one day try looking at the raw facts as they stand without making any judgements or labels
3. Beware when you are asking questions that are aimed at eliciting opinions as opposed to facts
4. Become known as a person who never talks about people behind their backs or engages in damaging gossip
5. Listen to a conversation between two children.
We have heard many times how important it is to set goals with time frames, obstacles that may come our way, people that can help to achieve our goals etc, but why is it that despite all the masses of information that exists on the ´internets´( as George W would say), over 80% of people never set goals and of those that do, a vast majority never achieve them?
In my physics class 20 years ago, I learnt how men can observe the concept of ´parabolic motion´ every time they go to the bathroom; in biology I learnt how our cells use oxygen in the Krebs Cycle respiration process to produce carbon dioxide, I even learnt how to conjugate verbs in my Latin classes. Funnily enough, I don’t use any of that knowledge today. I remember thinking how interesting some of the subjects were but always struggled to see what relevance they had to the quality of my life at that time and in the future… that’s the end game right, a good quality of life?
I am not saying that conventional education is a waste, far from it, but how I wish I was taught the importance of goal setting at school, and once it had been taught, how I wish I had been taught how to set goals effectively.
Many years ago I practiced Martial Arts and trained under four disciplines, apart from the beauty of the art of controlled power and mind body and soul unity, one of the key rituals that the four expressions depended on was FLEXIBILITY. There are three things I have noticed about flexibility:
1. The more flexible we are, the better we feel
2. We are born with flexibility and then somehow lose it as we get older
3. We cannot be flexible without stretching
In the gym I notice that the true athletes are always stretching. Stretching, it seems, is actually part of the training regime for peak performance.
As one gets older, it appears we become less flexible as we become set in our ways. We begin to season our thoughts and conversations with comments such as ‘..well that’s just me’ or ‘I cannot change the way I am’ Soon we actually start to believe that these things are true about ourselves and hence our flexibility ebbs away.
